All year long something has really been on my heart that I haven’t really mentioned to anyone. It hasn’t been on purpose, I haven’t been hiding it, it’s just been one of those things you don’t really think or feel the need to mention. So, let’s start from the beginning:
It’s probably pretty commonly known at this point, since I share my testimony often, that I frequently suffer from anxiety and depression. It began back in junior high then returned a few years later, making my highschool career much less than bearable. Many of you also know that I was completely healed and delivered in late December of 2012, and taken off of all medication.
January 5, 2014. Cold, rainy Sunday afternoon, reading a book on the couch. I remember every detail of that day: what we had for lunch, the book I was reading, and we had just gotten home from Church that morning. I had went shopping with my friends the day before for a homecoming dress. I don’t know how it works for most people, but depression and anxiety for me works very similar to that of a light switch. All the sudden, on the couch, reading that book, I felt that familiar feeling of darkness overtake my mind. I didn’t know why or how. I was so scared because it had been two years, completely free from all those feelings, and medications. I immediately go open my Bible and began to read, thinking, hoping, and praying that that would dispel all of the darkness I was suddenly feeling after two years. Nothing happened. I was so discouraged. It was like my miraculous healing was suddenly revoked. Just like that, I reverted from the happy girl that just returned from Church, to a broken girl, hugging her knees crying in her bed.
That was five and a half years ago. I’ve been back on my medication ever since then. I spent a good portion of those years, doubting and wondering why I was being made to suffer like this again, though I knew it was all for a greater purpose. Through it all, I knew what God had done for me already so I held fast to the hope that one day again, He would deliver me.
At the beginning of this year, it partly began with a lot of little things. I took some of the New Years themed quizzes on Facebook, all pertaining to how your year will go, and what your word for the year is, etc. Not that that held too much significance, but I found it funny how every single one, even on different sites, contained the word Joy. Promised Joy. This was after I had already chosen the word for my year for myself, just on a feeling. I began to see the word everywhere I went, even in the strangest places. God even spoke to me a meaning for the word, JOY-just offer yourself. All these little things and more lead me up to the place where God promised me new freedom and joy, in this year, 2019.
2019 so far has probably been the most spiritual tug-of-war year, if you will. I’ve never been closer, but I’ve never been farther. My anxiety has began to worsen again, sometimes making it difficult to go or be certain places. For one or two months straight, I’ve been nauseas 24/7, in the way that you are when you’re really nervous about something. I will cry sometimes, many times, for no reason. I feel bad admitting to people that I’m still struggling with this, especially the people I love the most. Because in reality, I have every single reason in the world to be the happiest I can be. I’m newly married to the man of my dreams, living in our new home, planning to build our future home. My two sweet puppers. My amazing family that I still get to go see (but not near enough) my Church and Church family. I got a new job making good money, and then got promoted, as did my husband. We both got new reliable vehicles. We’re financially stable. We have everything we want and need and I hate to ever admit that sometimes I just want to cry because I’m not ‘happy.’ But the truth is, I’m happier than ever. But my Joy is missing. It’s been missing for a long time.
It’s been said that hurt people hurt people, and I know I’ve had to have hurt many people, knowingly or unknowingly over these five years. Lately more than usual, I’m just so mad all of the time. For no reason. Sometimes furious mad. Many times I hate myself for how I feel, and treat people. I feel like suffering with this has lost me many people.
Once when I was still in highschool, I was taking a nap on the couch. My mom told me this, I didn’t know about it for a long time. She told me she was praying in her room and God told her that she had a miracle in the other room. That it was a miracle I was still here after what I had been though. Someone also prophesied to her that I would one day, again, live a life without antidepressants. I’ve felt this heavy calling on me and my life lately, this year, more than ever. I have a constant desire to just run to the altar and fall on my face and receive whatever it is God has for me, but for so long, I feel like I’m wrapped in literal chains, and my feet are nailed to the floor whenever the opportunity is presented. So all I can do is stand there, and cry. Cry for what could be. Cry because I’m living in bondage and chains. Cry because if I would just say, ya know what, I’m done living another second without my joy, I could be healed. I cannot become the creature God created me to be until I’m free. I can’t be the wife, sister, daughter, friend.. I can’t be my best in any of these areas until I’m free. I can’t be a mother until I’m free. I can’t give my everything until I first give it to God.
I’ve been wanting to write all of this for quite sometime, but what really made me decide to finally do it, and confirmed everything for me, happened last Sunday. We’re currently in the transition process of finding a new pastor at our Church. Sunday we heard who is now our new pastor, preach for the first time. He began by saying he had already prepared a sermon for us, but God was laying something completely different on His heart that morning. So he began to preach. He spoke the word Joy, multiple times throughout his message. Over, and over, and over again. That fact alone already had me in tears. Because no one, not one person had I mentioned my ‘joy problem’ to. He continued with his sermon with most every word confirming every single thing I needed to hear. Saying things like he had seen young adults at his Church healed and freed from depression and anxiety, even taken off of prescriptions. That someone in this house has had their joy taken from them, and it’s time that they get it back. By the end of his sermon he had an altar call, and wouldn’t you know it, I ended up there. (After my precious, God-given husband telling me to go) After making his way through the crowd, he and his wife found me, in tears. Like they knew I was the sole reason for the whole sermon. He said something had been formed against me. As if I hadn’t already felt it, he said if there were any reason he was there that day, it was for me. By the time I got back to my seat, I wasn’t nauseas for the first time in a month. He told me today was my day. I didn’t receive my healing and freedom that day, but I got the far renewed hope and confirmation that it’s COMING, and it’s going to be BEAUTIFUL.
Even with my currently very busy life, I couldn’t be happier when I think about the future. I don’t just see good things, I see God things. I see a free me. Being the best in every area in my life, most important, spiritually. I see an amazing Church ladies conference we’re going to that I already feel big things are coming from. QI see reconciliation and peace with people. I see bravery and courage. I see myself in victory, not defeat. I see myself raising kids with Murray, to let them know if they ever experience what I have that it’s ok. That God is greater than all the darkness, and He always comes through in His time. I see JOY.
I’m sure there’s a lot more I meant to add in, but that’s ok. All you really need to know is that God is good and that healing will always come. Just chase Him with all you have. Even when you’re chained. Even when you’re scared, even when you doubt. Just offer yourself.
So, here’s to Joy, healing, and freedom. Coming soon, God-willing and God-promised, to a Brittany near you.
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